I'm... I'm okay! Yeah. Had some existential crisis going on there, and... You know, normally I'd say "HEY GUYS I TOTALLY OVERCAME THIS", but, you know. Doesn't really work this way. I need to spend some days both relaxing, and working hard, and being ever vigilant not to fall back into old patterns... I must get my feelings to accept that work is a wonderful thing that I mustn't be scared of, and in fact, something I should enjoy.

On that note, there is something I must apologize for.

I always claimed that I have big dreams, that I wanted to become a great artist, and that I would work hard for it.
Evidently, that was not true.

Maybe I had these dreams, and maybe I really believed in them, but in time... the reason I continued drawing, and giving a token effort to improve, was because I wanted people to like me. I wanted people to like me because I wanted to be happy. I have self-esteem issues. When I first got online, I was convinced that nobody could ever like me. Then I found people who would appreciate me for who I am. And I found that drawing is something that I can do well enough that people will praise me for it.

I disappointed many who perhaps believed in my own dreams more than I did myself.

What will happen now?

Well... I will have to think about this for some time. About what I am, how I got there, and what I want from the future. Truly want.
But I'm optimistic.

Work, you know. It's pretty rad.

Sorry. Don't know whether to go on or not. Take a hiatus or something maybe. Spend some quality time with that giant book on drawing that I got for my birthday long ago and never spent more than five minutes total looking into. Hah.


Angst follows.
Woke up after so little sleep. I thought my whole body consisted of hands. My real hands were just hands attached to more hands. All these hands wanted to do something, had something to say on how to present a picture, wanted to get to work on it, and I didn't know what my real hands were. My arms were reaching out, my shoulders. Everything was in a strange turmoil.

Gonna get some therapy, too. Find some numbers, make some calls, write down more numbers. Easy.

Sorry to anyone looking forward to comics that try to warm your heart. Maybe there'll be more soon. I don't know. I really just don't.

Well. Back home and I didn't finish a single page. My old home really isn't a good place for work. But that's not really everything.

One thing I have to note first is how odd your emotions get when you're angry at a person for vague reasons and then you find out that your anger was unjustified and... stuff. On that note: Silent treatment is the worst treatment.

Art-wise, either I'm running out of steam (ALREADY?!), or I need to reconsider my methods. I seem to be falling back into bad habits, and, you know, practice is hardly worth it if what I practice is a faulty technique.

I think it has to be like this:

1. Picture what I'm going to draw.
2. Construct it.
3. Take in the construction (if it's good) and imagine the finished product over that.
4. Finish it.

That whole "eyes go here, mouth goes there" deal won't get me anywhere in the long run... A picture should be one entity.

Huargh, curses. I lost a whole day after uploading that third page because I... just wanted to curl up warmly and cozily the entire day. And so I did! But now it doesn't look like I'll be able to finish the next page if I want it to be any good, and not doing the job well is of course out of the question. Too bad, really. A cliffhanger is always nice...

Well, tomorrow morning I'm leaving for Essen. I won't bother bringing the scanner and setting up my squeaky-new netbook to be able to properly edit the pages on it... I will, however, have some time to work on them. So that is what I will be doing. I'll be gone until Sunday, so I guess you can expect at least two pages by Monday?

... Wooooo.

...

In terms of good news CUTEST GIRL IN THE WHOLE CLASS SMILES AT ME OH EM GEE AOIDFHJOSIJasffJfshhuasfio

Kay, see you guys.

The new comic is late, but I have an excuse!
My grandmother died yesterday.

So, uhm. I hope you could do without your superhappycute comic for the day.
I'll also be going to the funeral next week, which will require me to take a train to the other side of the country. So. Yeah.

One day I will seriously get into the rhythm of daily comics, though. Seriously.